it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
