6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
