i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
