Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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