Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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