Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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