I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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