You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
