Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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