Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
