i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
