If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I wish there were birth control emojis
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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