you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
