I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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