I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
