i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
