somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
