I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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