he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
