If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Drake has all the answers
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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