one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
