i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I cannot find my penis.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
