He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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