My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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