He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
