Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
