You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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