he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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