dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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