New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
