Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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