Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
