I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
