So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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