tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
