I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
