I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
