I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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