I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
