I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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