she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
