My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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