My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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