We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
