Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
