I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
