I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
