My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
