im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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