if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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