Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
